Interesting Epiphany

I had an interesting insight during the ladies' retreat I just went on. There were opportunities at all the meals to talk to different ladies, and I was involved in several interesting discussions about homeschooling, parenting, cleaning, schedules, etc. One conversation was with one lady who has 3 kids (ages 7, 4, and 1) and another lady who has 4 kids (12, 11, 8 , and 4). They were talking about how they feel so guilty because they don't feel like they can spend enough time with each child. One lady said every night she went to bed guilty because it seemed like the older ones just didn't get enough of her time. Then they asked me if I ever felt guilty about this, since I have a large family, and as I thought about it, I realized that, well, no, I never have. (And this is note-worthy because I am someone who can make myself feel guilty for plenty of non-realistic things!) Anyhow, as I reflected on this, I realized that this is a direct result of homeschooling. The older boys get individual time with me in the mornings as we do their schoolwork, and Caleb gets his time as well when we practice his reading. Then they find things to occupy themselves in the afternoon, and I can do things with Jonathan if he would like. He's pretty crabby right after naptime, so we snuggle then, and then the boys usually wander around, in and out, while I cook dinner. But I have the whole day to spend with them, and so I don't think anyone feels left out. It was a good feeling--something to not feel guilty over! LOL--we all need more of those! The other ladies were wondering if their older kids resented the fact that they had younger siblings (they didn't have any evidence, just random musings), but I told them I doubted they thought that since we had also talked about how our kids love to play with their siblings and so on. I think we moms are just really good at overanalyzing our families and feeling guilt where there shouldn't be any.

In a different conversation, another mom (with 2 girls, 1 and almost 3) was feeling guilty about telling her older girl to play by herself sometime--she felt like she should be constantly available, and she asked me if I ever felt guilty about this. Again, I had to say no. I did play more with Nathan and Luke when they were little, to "show" them how to imagine and play with things like Little People, but now Nathan and Luke have filled that gap with Caleb and Jonathan, and I LOVE to see them play with each other. It is so precious to see Luke gently move Little People around, making them talk to Jonathan's people, and so on. And the result is that they can all play together OR by themselves, and that is such an important skill to learn. I told her that she NEEDED to teach her girls to play independently (right now they just cling to her all the time), and I suggested roomtime and other things like that, as well as setting a time limit every day where she did play with them, helping them learn "how" to play. She was so relieved to think that maybe she didn't have to be at the girls' absolute beck and call all day long--well, actually she already knew she couldn't be, since there are things she has to do, but she was feeling so guilty about it! I think our culture is so obsessive about doing things "exactly perfect", but we've lost sight of what actually is best for kids as they look towards becoming productive adults. Is it better to grow up in a home full of siblings where you must learn to share and get along with others, or is it better to have someone's attention devoted soley to you? Is it better to learn how to occupy yourself and play imaginatively, or is it better to have someone constantly there to amuse you? Well, it seems to me that out in the world, there are sadly few postions that allow you to be constantly pampered, amused, paid attention to, etc., so it seems like a kid has a much better chance of succeeding in life if he learns that lesson early on, as a welcome member of the family, but NOT the complete center. And no one should feel guilty about that!